From the Vantage Point of an Outsider: Navigating the Us vs. Them Mentality

From the Vantage Point of an Outsider: Navigating the 'Us' vs. 'Them' Mentality

3/13/2022

by Stefanie Whitney

This writing is an exploration of my own thoughts surrounding the world of education–where I have been, where I am currently, and where I aim to go. These are musings, questions, and curiosities I have had in a confusing, often contradictory, and sometimes frustrating profession fraught with nuance, complexities, and invisible norms. My writing aims to be curious, but it does not aim to be adversarial. My ultimate goal in education is to eliminate the timeworn battle lines of “us vs. them” and function as a “we”. If you are any kind of friend, you will allow me to cling to that hope.

I am one of them.

I am a food sharer. Yes, I do want to try what you are having.
I prefer Cream of Wheat to oatmeal.
I constantly forget to bring my reusable grocery bags to the grocery store.
I am often late. One of those “fast and loose with my time and the time of others” type of folk.

And, the list goes on...

Over my 44 + 356 days on this earth (Pisces, Gen X/Xennial), I have shifted my political leanings from a Benjamin Moore “Rose Quartz” to one of their 2022 colors of the year “Mysterious” blue.

I am a teacher who uses too many paper copies.
I am an English teacher who has personally left dozens of books unfinished (YOLO).
I am an educator who is currently not in the classroom.
My office is “downtown” and I’m positioned among “the district.”
I am working on acquiring my administrative license.
I believe in moving away from a grading system devised to label & divide folk and moving toward one that, to me, feels more human-centered.
I believe we have systems that have catastrophically divided humans and caused irreparable damage and our only way forward is to fix those systems.
I am an impatient advocate of change who also believes that change happens one conversation, one reflection, and one brave soul at a time.

I’m only getting started, but for the sake of time and my increasing anxiety, I will stop for now.

If this list is all you know about me, then you have likely formed judgments, perhaps even drawn conclusions that all point to: I am or I am not “your kind of people”. Yet, I hope curiosity will encourage you to learn more.

As one of “them”, I have also found myself hustling to find my “us.”

To find my fellow relative time folk and bolster ourselves up with bountiful reasons we are more right than the timelier “thems”.
To fly high my cream of wheat freak flag in hopes of attracting a few porridge wielding bears. I’ll even accept Goldilocks as long as she keeps her spoon out of my bowl. (I am a food sharer, but… Covid.)
Of course, I seek community with other folk currently not in the classroom, so we can form a human shield to fend off the “cut their positions” slings and “don’t work directly with kids” arrows coming our way.

In so many ways and to so many people, I am one of “them.”

And for the longest time, I have hustled to show the “us’s” that I’m one of the good “them’s.”

I am hustling to be one of the good ones.

Focusing on the hustle.

Martha Beck believes that “Integrity is the cure for unhappiness.” I’m currently reading The Way of Integrity by Beck, and she explores the concept of hustling. Brene Brown deserves credit as the first to help me reflect on my own hustle, and Beck manages to take my self-reflection to another level.

Beck explains,

“Humans create elaborate cultures because we are intensely social beings, dependent on the goodwill of others from the moment we’re born. We also have an enormous capacity to absorb and replicate the behavior of people around us. From childhood, often without even noticing it, we learn exactly how to win approval and belonging in our particular cultural context…. In this rush to conform, we often end up overruling our genuine feelings–even intense ones…to please our cultures. The extent to which people will defy nature to serve culture can be truly horrifying.”

Literal and figurative battle lines are drawn because of people serving a culture–and, as Beck uncovers, often battle lines built not on our integrity but on our desire to fit in, to belong.

This quest to belong can be as catastrophic as a world war or as seemingly innocuous as cheering for your favorite hockey team. Seemingly is appropriate here because I cannot be the only one who has observed cheering turn into leering, then smearing, and finally–something much more sinister.

So–about our personal hustles. My personal understanding of both Brown’s and Beck’s explanations of the “hustle” is to do whatever it takes to be accepted into a culture of people, often at the expense of our own internal nature, or value systems. The definition is easy to accept. However, the extent to which we can get lost in the hustle is much harder to actualize, which is why Beck’s request of readers at the end of chapter two “admit–just to yourself–that some of your actions are designed to impress or fit in with other people” shriveled up my soul like a raisin.

"Us" vs. "Them": a living history

As a former member of the “not a math person” team, I feel a bit proud of my observation that division seems to be the most popular of the mathematical operations (I also feel flummoxed, sometimes defeated, and always overwhelmed by this reality). I’m not sure if test scores or climate surveys quantify this, but observational data suggests we have been and continue to be really good at division in this profession, in this state, in this country, in this world.

[Scene setting: A Dances With Wolves journaling voiceover]

Today, I chose to venture into the camp of “thems”. Initially, I felt a bit disoriented, but I continued walking in the direction of their world mixed with both fear and hope. Their leader was willing to talk with me, and as we sought to understand one another through small talk about mutual friends, I realized the pit in my stomach was being replaced with a warm sense of familiarity. I noticed a physical change, as well. Settling in, my jaw relaxed enough to support a genuine smile; my shoulders relaxed as the tension of discord released. While walking away from camp that day, a thought crept into my mind: I think I like them. This was a puzzling reality, and I hope my new friend will invite me back again sometime soon. I cannot help but think there may be a much smaller gulf between us than originally thought.

[End scene. (I hope you, too, heard Kevin Costner’s voice while reading this)]

Continue ad nauseam.

Choosing to be an outsider

I know I am most motivated by curiosity and compassion for humans, animals, and the occasional inanimate object. Because of curiosity and compassion, I believe that crossing over to hang with “thems”, while initially unsettling, almost always ends in a feeling of warmth in my insides and a smile that is hard to wipe from my face.

There are rare moments when this type of rendezvous doesn’t result in blossoming warmth and shared smiles. Upon reflection, I realize in many of these failed moments that I was/am hustling–trying to cajole, convince, fit in, or defend myself–often through evasive jokes, ducking and weaving, and the occasional speed talking. I leave these conversations frustrated, short of breath, and filled with the sinking dread that my position as a “them” has been solidified.

In the spirit of selective attention, I’m struck by just how often even those with the best of intentions manage to divide us. Take this recent quote by Adam Grant:

“In cultures of arrogance, people get rewarded for expressing certainty and conviction. The most confident speaker claims the most status. In cultures of humility, people are applauded for admitting ignorance and asking questions. The most complex thinker earns the most respect.”

My initial reaction: “Yeah. See? It is them, not us.”

But I have been an active member of both cultures. I know where I feel most myself and how I show up among folk who inspire me rather than how I show up when inclined to bring my hustle. I prefer a culture of humility, but I need to frequently pause and consider how I am contributing and upholding this culture rather than perpetuating a culture where hustle and arrogance are the play calls.

Grant brings up an example that does not have to be about division. If I accept my role in the situation and choose to avoid deflection and blame, then I understand he is talking about being human—choosing arrogance or humility. We have choices. Timshel.

An example: It is true that I do not work daily with students in a classroom setting. It is also true that I have an impact on the student experience. 

And while both of these things can be simultaneously true, what is more important is that I stop trying to convince anyone else of this reality and simply know my own truth.

I chose this career path because I believe in helping lead change.
I choose to live by the values of compassion and curiosity; everything that sits right in my soul is grounded in these two beliefs.
Most everything I do that leaves me hustling is often untethered from these two values.
If untethered, I then need to figure out how to get grounded or I need to determine the purpose and value of this experience.

This isn’t to say that every time I am uncomfortable I’m untethered from my values; I may just need to more clearly identify the ties that bind. Discomfort is growth–an opportunity to reflect on what is causing me to feel this way.

Going forward, I am reminded that at the first sign of battle lines being drawn an opportunity exists to calmly step over the divide and ask questions. Listen and seek to understand. Fight the instinct to grab my ruler and Sharpie (it’s taking everything in me to not make a hurricane path reference here).

When we are in places where lines of division are being drawn, rather than choosing sides, I strive to be an outsider who starts asking more questions. (In this regard: I have been known, on rare occasions, to weaponize questions--sorry Socrates—so I find it helpful to check my tone of voice and know my authentic intent of asking before boldly striving for that outsider status.)

“Us vs. Them” only exists if we let it. We are the perpetrators of division and discord. We can either pick up the golden apple, pull out a sharp knife, and argue over who gets rewarded, or we can peel the superficial skin off to reveal the parts underneath where common ground exists. (Too much? Did that allusion get out of hand? Probably. Some will like it; some won’t. Oops, I did it again. Gah. Free Britney. Opportunities for division are everywhere.)

Stefanie Whitney, EdD, works with the Curriculum and Instruction team in Rochester Public Schools (RPS). She's also been an English teacher, an AVID instructor, and both a high school and a middle school instructional coach in RPS.